First, just some somber news tonight. A good pal of the show, Paul Sorvino, passed away yesterday. He was an amazing actor and one of our first guests on this very show. Anyway, you might know him from the legendary movie Goodfellas. One of the greats. And here's one of my favorite scenes. 

GREG GUTFELD: SOMETIMES THE LEFT HAS TO ‘MAKE UP’ HATE

SKIT:

GUTFELD: Hey, Pauly. 

PAULY: I'm telling to you. I'm telling everybody, you could be my son. Could be anybody. You don't mess around with that garbage. You understand me? 

GUTFELD: What garbage, Pauly? 

PAULY: Don't make a jerk out of me, you understand? 

GUTFELD: I'm trying. 

PAULY: Just don't do it. 

GUTFELD: I won't do it. Okay. You're right. You're right. I won't. 

PAULY: You understand you’re only on the air because I got you a job, right?

GUTFELD: Right. 

PAULY: Okay. Yeah. You see anybody messing with your show you've gonna tell me isn’t that right? 

GUTFELD: I swear, Pauly. Yes. Yes, I swear. 

PAULY: Go do your show. 

GUTFELD: Thanks, Pauly. 

PAULY: Get in there. He ain’t a bad kid. Needs another couple of smacks though. 

I will never wash my face again. Lucky he didn't slap me on the ass.

On to the news. It's fun to see what happens when so-called compassionate libs get a taste of their own no cost, compassion. You know, the kind they prescribe for other people because they don't have to pay the price. But you do. 

Take immigration where everything is free for anybody who comes in because it's in your state and not theirs. Sorry, Texas, you're screwed. It's your fault for bordering Mexico and inventing Dr. Pepper. It's true. 

It must be how my parents felt when they went away for the weekend and I had half the chess club over to drink their booze. True, there were only two people in the club, so it was just me. Now you get the idea. I drink alone. Sorry, but forever, border states complained about the burdens placed on their services with the influx of illegal immigrants. They aren't complaining about the people, but the policies. They know without an actual process, everything falls apart. It's like when Edward Scissorhands entered that bouncy castle. 

As you know, Republicans are fans of laws, just like strict parents. But Democrats are fans of stuff minus the means to get them. Like strict parents’ children. 

So when border states complain, the left calls it xenophobic. Oh, you just don't like the brown folks. And they'll even say it – the brown folks. The definition of racism is changed again. It's anyone who disagrees with the Democrat. 

And when the Border Patrol try to do their job, you get whipgate, a smear the president gladly embraced. 

So how do you get Dems to understand that you need a process? Well you get them to experience what you're going through too. What's good for the goose is good for this slanderer. Let's see what happens when a Democrat far from a border state gets to play border state for a year. That's a nice way of saying let's see how you aholes like it. Hmm. I wonder if our system was inundated. 

ERIC ADAMS: Our system is inundated with, you know, those who were seeking shelter because of the callousness of those other states that pushed them out. Our schools are going to be impacted. Our health care system is going to be impacted. Our infrastructure is going to be impacted. 

Sounds like my dentist. Everything's going to be impacted, which is what should happen when you call yourself a sanctuary state. See, the virtue signal just became real. It's the cost of lawlessness, you know, sort of how a drug kingpin gets killed by another drug kingpin. Those are the rules. So I'm for having migrants come to New York City and it has nothing to do with having to replace my masseuses. RIP, Marco, Clem and Stu. You're never going to find them. 

I want leaders to understand the costs for their obsession with cheap labor. But I like immigrants, especially compared to what's homegrown here. I mean, have you ever met a woke migrant? I haven't. They think Latinx are those movies I made in Tijuana in the nineties. And they're right. That's how I met Ricky Martin.

True, there are burdens to the system when lots of illegal immigrants show up. They put more stress on the infrastructure than Joy Behar on a toilet seat. But they aren't even close to what some Americans have done to this country. 

Illegals didn't upend the criminal justice system. They didn't create critical race theory. If they did, they'd be rich. They didn't destroy sports. Unlike Megan Rapinoe, you could argue they make sports better. 

As for the two years of rioting, I do not remember seeing anybody running back into a burning building because they dropped a breakfast taco -- a racist would say. That was a shout-out to Dr. Jill. 

Anyway, there are horrible exceptions, drug dealers and gang members and soccer fans. And we could debate crime statistics all you want, but it's hard when we don't even call it crime anymore, which is what the woke did, not Mexicans. And illegals, they have incentives to keep their nose clean. 

But be honest, you would trade 100 wokesters for one hardworking dude named Julio, who believes in right and wrong, keeps to himself, has a strong faith and isn't scared of a hard day's work. If I could, I'd take the trade. I'll lose 100 liberal arts grads for one great shortstop. 

Now. I'm not sugarcoating illegal immigration. That would be stupid to do. Not to mention fattening and bad for your teeth. I'm saying what's happening to Mayor Adams right now is needed, spread out the resource burden and nd let's see how these captains of compassion handle it. Because in a real crisis, words alone are not enough. You have to actually do something.

SPEAKER: Hey, buddy, watch out!

STAFFER 1: Oh, hey Kat.

KAT: Is that a fax machine? That is so awful. Please let me know if there's anything I can do. 

STAFFER 1: Yeah. You could help me get this fax machine off my chest. 

KAT: Of course. Okay, I'm here if you need to get anything off your chest. Okay? My heart goes out to you. 

STAFFER 1: Yeah, well, my heart's getting crushed by this fax machine. 

KAT: I'm starting a hashtag on Twitter right now. Okay. Justice for Joe. We're starting a movement. 

STAFFER 1: Wow. And ironically I'm unable to move because of this fax machine. 

KAT: I hear you. All right. You're in my thoughts.

STAFFER 1: Well, here's a thought. Can you push this fax machine off of me? 

KAT: I got to go. I'm going to be late for the rally. We've already got the fliers. Okay. Don't worry. I got you.

STAFFER 1: Hello? Xerox? Yes, I can hold. 

So, this works with immigration. How about politicians who dismiss crime? They have private security, gated homes. They never see what you see. They're safe and sound while you suffer. And the worse things get, the more their gated homes are worth and the cheaper the landscaping labor. 

How do you make them see that besides placing ads in Modern Wine Snob magazine – that's not real. Thugs commit crimes and are quickly released, and our governors don't do squat. Next time, maybe we drive the perp to the streets where the progressive idiots live. Drop them off like a burning bag of dog dung on Pelosi's front steps, ring her doorbell and watch her face filled with panic like she just found out her plastic surgeon was run over by her Mexican maid. 

Lastly, it sucks seeing politicians ignore violent crime while focusing on a show trial because the crime hasn't touched their lives. They've got taxpayer funded security. You know, to many of us January 6th seems more peaceful than trying to get home after dark.

Think about all the criminals who got away with brutal crimes while January 6 protesters are still in jail. You know, maybe this whole time we should have been getting violent street felons to walk through an open door at the Capitol. Then they would have cared.