This is, believe it or not, one of our last shows of 2022. So naturally we got to thinking about the year that was. What defined it? Well, if you're living a healthy life, of course your relationships defined it. Politics is never the most important thing. The people around you are—your family, your friends, your dogs. That's where joy comes from, not from elections.
Relationships mean much more to you than any stupid pronouncement Nancy Pelosi made over the last year from her compound in Napa. But still, politics do matter. They're not irrelevant. Nancy Pelosi's babbling do have an effect on your life. So, what defined the politics of 2022? Well, lying did. This was the year of lying. The people in charge tell an awful lot of lies. That's what we learned, and we know this for sure, because while they are avid and committed liars, they're not very good at it.
Their lives are amateurish, obvious, pathetic, sad, and there's something kind of insulting about that. Don't take a leak on my boots and tell me it's raining, goes the old cowboy phrase. Don't tell me something we both know isn't true and expect me to believe it. When you do that, you assault my dignity. You diminish me. You treat me like a child. If you're going to tell me a lie, put some effort into it.
Try something clever. Have pride of craftsmanship. Don't pull the same old dusty alibi off the shelf like a jar of expired spaghetti sauce and expect me to fall for it again. Oh, we can't tell you that, Mr. or Mrs. America. It's a matter of grave national security, but don't worry, everything's totally fine. We're doing a great job. They've been trying that for, well, 21 years now, with the still somehow secret 9/11 files and for nearly 60 years with the JFK assassination. At this point, no living American still believes them and none should, but they keep doing it anyway. Clearly, they think we have brain damage. It's frustrating to watch, but today we've decided to be amused by it.
That seemed like the more positive option, maybe the most positive available under the circumstances.
So here, ladies and gentlemen, are our favorite lies of 2022. We had an awful lot to choose from in making tonight's list from Paul Pelosi's late night crime scene to the endless propaganda about the Ukraine war, to the million non-existent Americans who actually didn't get new jobs in the third quarter of the year.
But we're going to start with what might be the dumbest lie ever told: Vladimir Putin blew up his own natural gas pipeline to Europe. Now, by doing this, Putin crippled his own economy and weakened his own strategic position in the middle of a war, but he did it anyway because well, just because that's the kind of evil behavior Vladimir Putin is famous for. He's so evil. He's not only a threat to us, a direct physical peril to Omaha, Bangor and San Jose. Vladimir Putin is so evil, he's an existential threat to himself. Stop that man before he blows up more of his own pipelines. That's what the media told us with a completely straight face. Watch.
PAM BROWN, CNN: How does this fit into Putin's playbook? Of course, as you would expect, Susan, Russia says, "Oh, we had nothing to do with this. We're going to launch an investigation," but come on.
SUSAN GLASSER, CNN GLOBAL AFFAIRS ANALYST: Look the indications are that foul play was involved and that it appears that Russia is certainly the likeliest suspect of this.
JOHN BRENNAN, FORMER CIA DIRECTOR: I think this is clearly an act of sabotage of some sort and Russia is certainly the most likely suspect. I think this might be just the first salvo of some additional things that might be coming toward Europe.
BILL BROWDER, CEO, HERMITAGE CAPITAL MANAGEMENT: What Putin is saying to us by blowing up his pipeline is, "Look, I can blow up a pipeline. If need be, I can blow up the internet cables coming into your country. I can blow up functioning pipelines. I could do all sorts of stuff."
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If I kill myself, I could do anything. Russia is certainly the most likely suspect, says John Brennan and you can trust him when he says that because John Brennan was Barack Obama's CIA director. There's nothing shady about that guy. He's never been involved in any illegal murders or anything. He's got your best interests at heart. Let's put him on TV as a reliable foreign policy expert. He'll tell us the truth. You've got to laugh at this because, well, what's the option? And actually, John Brennan turns out to be reliable in at least one sense.
If John Brennan says it, the opposite is almost certainly true and that was the case here. No, Russia did not blow up its own pipelines. That explosion was the work of the Biden administration. They signed off on it and we can tell you that tonight with confidence. The only remaining question is, now that we know for a fact that Joe Biden intentionally released more carbon into the atmosphere than any human in recorded history, can you continue to lecture the rest of us about global warming? We're thinking, oh, yeah, he can.
Biden certainly is the main qualification for doing that – soullessness. This is a man who showered with his own daughter, who smiles when he's mad. This man will say literally anything. If the Chinese military unleashed a deadly manufactured flu virus on the world, Joe Biden would blame you for it and actually, he did. People are dying of COVID, Joe Biden told us, because you have questions about an experimental mRNA shot that doesn't really work and whose long-term effects we can't know. You are the criminal here, not the Chinese government, because you're "unvaccinated." You must be punished. That was the message from the White House picked up and eagerly disseminated by Biden's equally soulless stooges in the media and here's one of them: Leana Wen, formerly of abortion giant Planned Parenthood, now of CNN.
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LEANA WEN: We have a very narrow window to tie reopening policy to vaccination status because otherwise, if everything is reopened, then what’s the carrot going to be? How are we going to incentivize people to actually get the vaccine? So that’s why I think the CDC and the Biden administration needs to come out a lot bolder and say, ‘If you’re vaccinated, you can do all these things. Here are all these freedoms that you have,’ because otherwise, people are going to go out and enjoy these freedoms anyway.
So, the unvaccinated might be "enjoying freedoms," Fretted Leana Wen and everyone knows that under the U.S. Constitution, that's not allowed. Scurry back to your hovel, kulak. No freedoms for you. The gruel is ladled at 4:00. Slurp it with gratitude.
Oh, what a difference a year makes. Now we know that everything Leana Wen told us on CNN was a lie, and we know that for certain, because, amazingly, Leana Wen just admitted it. This week, Wen acknowledged that actually this is not a pandemic of the unvaccinated. It's the opposite.
The CDC, she said, has now determined that "vaccinated people who never had COVID were at least three times as likely to be infected as unvaccinated people with a prior infection and a Lancet study" continuing the quote) "found that those who were vaccinated but never had COVID were four times as likely to have a severe illness, resulting in hospitalization or death compared to the unvaccinated who recovered from it."
I mean, what? So, the vaccinated are four times as likely to be hospitalized or die from COVID? Four times.
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So, it turns out that none of your vax propaganda was true. To put it mildly, it was all a lie. The question is, can we get our lives back now? How about our economy, our jobs? When's the part when you break down in wracking sobs of contrition and beg forgiveness for misleading the entire country in matters of life and death and hurting people? We look forward to that part, though, obviously not holding our breath. For now, it is satisfying enough to see a lie identified for what it always was.
and honestly, that's also the pleasure in watching the Sam Bankman-Fried saga unfold. Bankman-Fried was this weird, pudgy kid in a t-shirt who played video games during interviews, took a ton of pills, and could never quite explain the business model of his "crypto exchange."
I mean, literally, from the first day, this guy was an utterly transparent scam artist. Your golden retriever could have smelled the fraud on this guy. It was that redolent. He stunk of it. But somehow the geniuses, the financial wizards at CNBC, had no idea. They fell in love with Sam Bankman-Fried. They wanted to be Sam Bankman-Fried. They told us Sam Bankman-Fried was the new J.P. Morgan. Here is a tape we are going to watch at least once a month for the rest of our lives. It's that good.
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ANDREW ROSS SORKIN, CNBC SEPT 16: They call him the J.P. Morgan of Crypto.
KATE ROONEY, CNBC: The Michael Jordan of crypto if you will.
KATE ROONEY, CNBC SEPT 16: So, why should you carry about a floppy haired, vegan, fidget spinning crypto billionaire who occasionally sleeps on a beanbag chair? In the so-called crypto winter, he’s been referred to as crypto’s white knight.
JM CRAMER, CNBC SEPT 29: J.P. Morgan of this generation: Sam Bankman-Fried’s FTX. Is he the Jay Gould of our era or is he the J.P, Morgan of our era?
CO-HOST: I think it’s yet to be determined
CRAMER: Is he Vanderbilt?
CO-HOST: He could be.
CRAMER: Is he Harriman?
CO-HOST: Possibly. Is he Carnegie?
CRAMER: If he gives a lot of libraries he is.
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That wasn't 10 years ago. That was weeks, days, before the Sam Bankman-Fried fraud collapsed in on itself. Is he Vanderbilt? Is he Harriman? Is he Carnegie? Is he J.P. freakin Morgan? No. No, he's not. Actually, he is an accused felon who just this week was photographed shuffling along in handcuffs on his way to his cell. It's just so awesome. These people are ridiculous and that's the real lesson of Sam Bankman-Fried and we're going to enjoy every second of it.
Now, it's a little harder to enjoy what's happening to the rest of the economy—inflation, especially. Inflation is one of those economic phenomena you don't need to be an MIT professor to identify. Has the price of things you buy every week gone up a lot? Oh, it has. OK, you've got inflation. Inflation is demonstrable.
Anyone who claims otherwise is lying and everybody knows that and that's why even most politicians, people who lie about anything, don't bother to lie about inflation. It's just too easy to catch them, but some still persist in lying about it. They just enjoy the experience of lying. It makes them feel alive. Janet Yellen is one of those. Watch her here to tell you that the inflation you're experiencing every day is not real. It's a mirage. It's "transitory."
YELLEN, JUNE 2021: We’ve had several months of high inflation that most economists including me believe will be transitory.
YELLEN, JUNE 2021: I personally believe that this represents transitory factors.
NORA O’DONNELL, OCTOBER 2021: Are higher prices here to stay?
YELLEN: I believe it’s transitory but I don’t mean to suggest that these pressures will disappear in the next month or two.
YELLEN, JULY 2021 (CNBC): It is important that we monitor it carefully, but I believe fundamentally that this is something that will settle down.
SARA EISEN: Transitory?
YELLEN: Transitory
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Did you hear that? She's an economist. She's not a scam artist who got rich from bribes disguised as speaking fees from the big banks after she had been running the Fed. No, no, no, no. She's an economist and because she's an economist and you're not, she knows that there are many kinds of inflation. There's conventional inflation and there's something called transitory inflation and that's the kind of inflation you're not allowed to complain about, especially before midterm elections.
You are commanded to ignore that kind of inflation and if it still bothers you, then you have to do your patriotic duty and get an abortion. That's the word from Janet Yellen, who as of tonight is literally our treasury secretary.
So, Merry Christmas much-lied-to American people. At least you know who we're dealing with now. The good news is we can still be happy. Happiness is a gift from God, and even the Biden administration can't take it away.
